I can’t believe I have arrived here. I figured I would craft and post this entry early because the frenzy of Thanksgiving day next week is going to be overwhelming, but I really wanted a chance to show everyone how far I’ve come.
But I also wanted to have a chance to show everyone how much I think I’ve let myself down.
When I started trying to lose weight and get fit last year, I can’t lie, I expected to fail. Every day I expected to fail. I never thought I would make the changes I knew I had to, and I thought that I would talk myself back into old habits because that’s just the kind of mindset I had then. I never thought I did a good job at anything, and after dieting, and failing so many other times before, dealing with my body’s response to PCOS, and dealing with an eating disorder, and a highly reclusive, and shut-in kind of life, I ultimately thought “you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, and embarrassment by opening up about what you’re trying to do.”
In the spirit of giving thanks, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. Everyone who has commented on a blog, who has shared a recipe, who has messaged me after they read an entry and said “hey, thanks for writing that;” everyone who called after they saw one of my pity party entries and just said “dude, you can do it, go get what you want.” I never expected to get that kind of response from anyone. I expected this blog to sit here for me, and to be a way to perk myself up and chart my progress for times where I just wanted to quit. I want to thank the FitFluential fam for always being there, and being motivating, and wonderful, and sweet, and just totally kickass! It’s so awesome to look at what these ladies and gents are doing, and feel like you can conquer the world too!
There had been extreme bumps along the way for me: being torn down by a personal trainer at LA Fitness who told me I wasn’t capable of getting fit without his help, and my progress was nothing. I got injured, and I couldn’t exercise for 8 entire weeks. I dealt with a looming cloud of self-doubt and confusion for 2 months when I was exercising crazy hard, eating amazingly, and I still hadn’t lost weight. I dealt with having to deal with this by myself – no more buddy workouts after I’d gotten accustomed to them (I miss you, Jen!) I still can’t run more than 2 miles straight, and I still feel trapped in this body, but despite those things, PROGRESS STILL HAPPENED.
There were totally high days, and totally low days. There were days where I felt on top of the world, and there were days when I felt like I was just living in hell, but never once did I feel abandoned by my friends, and that’s what kept me going this entire time.
I can’t say that I’m absolutely proud of my progress, though. I made a pretty good leap, but I am nowhere near the fitness level I want to be at, and I still don’t look like I want to. Part of me is scolding myself for not trying hard enough. I could have made it to the gym more. I could have lifted more weights. I could have made better choices when I went out to the bar, or out to eat with my friends, but those things are all in the past. They’re all things that I can take into the next year and keep close.
This year, my biggest obstacle, and my biggest learning experience came from trying to learn how to still enjoy the foods I love, but to still be able to achieve the goals I set. That was the balance I wanted to find all year. I love cooking with real butter, and eating real cheese, and I love to indulge. I love food, and I didn’t want to have to sacrifice the things I really loved to eat. I struck that balance, but I also realized that even in moderation, I would have to work a little harder to make sure eating didn’t counteract my workouts.
I don’t really have much else to say, except this year I really learned to love the hell out of myself, and to stop being so harsh, self-deprecating, and to just go for what I want. I’ll tell the rest of the story of this year in a bunch of pictures, and captions. This year has been hard for me, but if it weren’t this hard, I don’t think it would have been worth it.
One thing that I do want to ask though, before I quit talking, is that if you know of someone trying to lose weight, or trying to run a race, or trying to achieve any goal in their life, big or small, encourage them. Just do it out of the blue. Those random moments of encouragement from people I didn’t think were paying attention were one of the things that really kept me motivated. It seemed to appear, right when I needed it.
Now, the past year of my life in progress pictures. They’re in chronological order.
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