Insecure.

For as long as I can remember – probably my whole life, I have been insecure.

Too fat. Too short. Too dark. Too awkward. Too little. Too much. Too passionate. Too quiet.  Too..whatever.

Most of my insecurity comes from my weight. It has fluctuated for as long as I can remember. I’m on the bigger end of my spectrum these days, and when I get here, I get really insecure. I hide from cameras, I hide behind people, I hide in all-black. I get anxiety about seeing my double chin, or my belly in photos. Sometimes I see photos of myself and I cry because I feel like the person I’m looking at in a photo is not at all who I see, or want to be. It’s both infuriating and messed up.

My bestie Katie is a brilliant photographer. She also happens to be the person who knows the most about me. She knows about the flaws I see in myself, and how much I hate photos, but she convinced me to take some. Every couple of years we set out with a camera, a few ideas, and we find a backdrop for it. This time she took me to the graffiti park in the East end of Houston, and the new Sugar and Cloth Color Wall at Greenstreet.

Normally, I look at photos, and I want to cringe, and curl up in a ball. I want to hit “delete” and send all of the files to that little trashcan on my Mac. But for the first time in a long time, I looked at photos of myself and I thought they were perfect. That says something about my photographer, but it also says something about the way that I’m beginning to feel about myself.

It has taken me a long time to get here. When I first was diagnosed as a diabetic, I thought that there were a million things wrong with me, and more than ever it caused me to feel like a useless mess, and the kind of person that didn’t have it together. That part of my health made me feel like everything in my life was like that, and I felt incredibly insecure about even saying the words to people.

Today, I realized that it doesn’t matter whether I have it together or not, what matters is that I build a love for myself that lasts on both the best and worst days. I know that I won’t look or feel picture perfect every day, or look as beautiful as I feel like I do in these pictures, but I know that there’s so much more to love than just my physicality.

Having great photos is a good start though. Check out Katie’s photos below. I love them so much. I had to share them with you all.

 

 

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