The hardest part? Just DOING it…again.

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The hardest part? Just DOING it…again.

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I think what I love about this blog is how it has helped me really talk about the thing that haunts me most in my life – my ability to gain weight at the drop of a hat.

Part of me has been happy that I haven’t written because I’ve gotten to hide from everyone except for the people who see me every day, and get to see my ups and downs, but part me of is completely disappointed because Tales From The Kitch has been the place where I’ve documented my weight loss journey, my eating habits, my doubts, and my goals for years. It’s been this safe place where all I had to do was sit in front of my computer and type. It freaked me out that it started to become a place that I was afraid of.

I guess I was just afraid of disappointing everyone, which is why this seemed like an amazing place of accountability. You can’t disappoint anyone if you’re doing the right thing, and you keep on trucking past the worst days.

Truthfully, My eating has been TERRIBLE, my exercising has NOT EXISTED since about the end of June, and the body that I worked so hard to get to is completely lost somewhere.

I’d basically quit on myself because I was drowning in frustration. I’ve been so mad at myself because I haven’t been balancing work and life to be able to cook all of my own food, work out like a boss, and get to the goals I worked so hard for.

It keeps playing in my head: It took 5-6 days a week, for 365 days to lose 30 pounds. I keep asking why I put in so much effort, and so much work just to pack it all up, and ship it off.

The most difficult part for me is starting this all over again. Being back at square one is scary.

I can’t run like I was able to 6 months ago. I don’t have as much endurance. I am 10 pounds heaver than the weight I STARTED with in 2011. I don’t feel like myself when I watch myself brush my teeth in the morning, but I know I’m going to get there. Something has to give for me. The motivation is there – I feel exactly the way I did in December 2011.

I feel like I don’t want to ever feel like this again.

I’m starting from scratch. I’m going from the VERY beginning. I’m changing the way I eat, and making really conscious choices- so conscious that I weigh my food on the scale, and log every single thing that I eat. I’m going to go jog with my puppy on as many mornings as I can possibly muster up the strength for (because I HATE mornings, but I can only hate mornings, or hate being unhealthy, I can’t have it all(. I’m going to elicit help from my friends, and my family, and my loving boyfriend.

I’m going to BE about this, because I know I can do it. I’ve done this before, but It just has to stick. I have to remember those 20392384024 things that make this important. I can do it, I can do it.

I just have to keep telling myself that I CAN DO IT. Because I can.

I’m sick of having this pep-talk with myself. It’s really now, or never.

3 Responses

  1. You can do anything you set your mind to. Having the right mentality and vision is important for anything we do in our lives, whether if it affects our personal or professional lives. Surround yourself with positive people and things who will help you achieve your journey.

    I am also in the same boat as you. It is going to take time but, please do not forget that if you ever need someone to talk to or someone to exercise with, your friends are here.

    I hope all is well with you and everything else you are doing,

    Keep up the great work.

    Jeff

  2. Mila, you CAN do it! I pretty much had the same falling out of my routine as you. What’s been keeping me going lately is the book I was recommended by friends on MyFitnessPal, “The New Rules of Lifting for Women”. I can do the training even with a busy schedule and I feel better than just doing the ‘same old thing’ at the gym. It’s only $10 or so and you can download it from Google Play or iTunes.

    Not sure if this speaks to you, but out of all the books and articles I’ve read, it’s just consistent and great.

    Believe in yourself– you’re not failing, just not getting the results you want yet!

  3. Hey Lady 🙂 I 100% feel your pain, and have kept up with your journey because it’s inspiring. You make other people feel motivated to cook more, eat better, and work out while also being human. Everyone that’s trapped in a body that they’re trying to change has ups and downs, and it’s actually pretty cool to read about someone’s struggles and not just their good days. I have gained 40 pounds since my junior year of college and I’ve been struggling this year to try to get healthier. I’ve figured out that the thing my body responds to the best is a full on, plant-based, vegan diet so that’s just what I have to do. I have days where I can’t help myself and I eat a piece of cheese or a couple of bites of meat and that has been hard. I also can’t manage to get my butt to the gym alone, so my loving BF has been going with me 4 days a week, every week to help my success. It’s hard, but just know that we’re with you, you’re not alone and we’re rooting for you!

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Mila Clarke Buckley

Hi! I'm Mila.

I’m a millennial living with LADA (Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults, a slow-progressing form of autoimmune Type 1 diabetes) I love food, travel, and my kitchen!

Hangry Woman is for anyone with diabetes – regardless of type.

I’m here to help you live your best life possible diabetes by showing you how to create simple, blood-sugar friendly and delicious meals. Plus, you get video cooking demos, essays on life with diabetes, and lots of weekly joy.

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