I think what I love about this blog is how it has helped me really talk about the thing that haunts me most in my life – my ability to gain weight at the drop of a hat.
Part of me has been happy that I haven’t written because I’ve gotten to hide from everyone except for the people who see me every day, and get to see my ups and downs, but part me of is completely disappointed because Tales From The Kitch has been the place where I’ve documented my weight loss journey, my eating habits, my doubts, and my goals for years. It’s been this safe place where all I had to do was sit in front of my computer and type. It freaked me out that it started to become a place that I was afraid of.
I guess I was just afraid of disappointing everyone, which is why this seemed like an amazing place of accountability. You can’t disappoint anyone if you’re doing the right thing, and you keep on trucking past the worst days.
Truthfully, My eating has been TERRIBLE, my exercising has NOT EXISTED since about the end of June, and the body that I worked so hard to get to is completely lost somewhere.
I’d basically quit on myself because I was drowning in frustration. I’ve been so mad at myself because I haven’t been balancing work and life to be able to cook all of my own food, work out like a boss, and get to the goals I worked so hard for.
It keeps playing in my head: It took 5-6 days a week, for 365 days to lose 30 pounds. I keep asking why I put in so much effort, and so much work just to pack it all up, and ship it off.
The most difficult part for me is starting this all over again. Being back at square one is scary.
I can’t run like I was able to 6 months ago. I don’t have as much endurance. I am 10 pounds heaver than the weight I STARTED with in 2011. I don’t feel like myself when I watch myself brush my teeth in the morning, but I know I’m going to get there. Something has to give for me. The motivation is there – I feel exactly the way I did in December 2011.
I feel like I don’t want to ever feel like this again.
I’m starting from scratch. I’m going from the VERY beginning. I’m changing the way I eat, and making really conscious choices- so conscious that I weigh my food on the scale, and log every single thing that I eat. I’m going to go jog with my puppy on as many mornings as I can possibly muster up the strength for (because I HATE mornings, but I can only hate mornings, or hate being unhealthy, I can’t have it all(. I’m going to elicit help from my friends, and my family, and my loving boyfriend.
I’m going to BE about this, because I know I can do it. I’ve done this before, but It just has to stick. I have to remember those 20392384024 things that make this important. I can do it, I can do it.
I just have to keep telling myself that I CAN DO IT. Because I can.
I’m sick of having this pep-talk with myself. It’s really now, or never.