Content warning: eating disorders, body shaming
I think for the first time in my life, I’m making the decision to take care the way I tell others to. And in a way that honors my body as it is in its current form.
Not in a form that I’m trying to change it into being.
Not with a goal to be thin. Not with a superficial mindset, and telling everyone “I’m doing this because I want to be healthy.”
But my letting my belly wiggle, my thighs jiggle, and my feelings about my body be free and happy and positive.
I can’t quantify the amount of time I’ve spent hating my body, but I’d gotten really good at it for too long. I’d gotten really mean about it, too. So much so, that I tried to change my body in destructive ways.
The more comments I got on my YouTube Channel, or sharing my perspective about diabetes through advocacy, the more I let outside perceptions become internal. I wasn’t telling myself these horrible things about my body, but hundreds of other people were. So, it must be true, right?
And those patterns become destructive from bulimia, assigning punishments to certain foods, and telling myself I was a bad person for being a size 16.
To be clear: I didn’t feel that way about anyone else. My fatphobia was deeply internalized and reserved to be critical of myself.
My perception of my body is so much different now. And so much better after understanding that the meat sacks we live in are really just a mechanism for getting us around. They are temporary homes.
I’m not kneeling in front of the toilet to get rid of my food before it begins to to digest. I’m not stepping on the scale every morning and letting my day be dictated by how much higher or lower that number was from the day before.
I’m not in the best shape I’ve ever been, nor the worst. I’m just happy with the way I am. Really happy.
Like, putting on clothes and admiring what assets I do have. Not pinching myself in the mirror when I see a little roll peek out from my bra. Walking by the mirror naked and being like “damn girl.”
What a departure from the awful things I used to do and say to myself when I was younger.
When I felt deep discomfort, and inadequacy. When I dedicated precious synapses to thinking about all of the ways I could shrink my body.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt that way.
For me, being more conscious of the ways that I take care of myself, and how I treat my body have been much more of a focus than it’s shape, or size.
I know I’m better for it, and my brain space gets to spend time on more important things, like how I’ll find happiness in each day. What I’m excited to cook. What I might like to read. Dancing in my kitchen. Hugs from my family. The next episode of The Pitt. The important things.
Even down to something as simple as not turning my laptop on before I eat breakfast.
Because why am I standing over my breakfast tacos scrolling through email trying to get a sense of the day before I even take basic care of myself and get in the right headspace?
Loving my body where it is today is a meaningful shift for me. It’s one that I genuinely wish I’d committed to before.
But, also one that takes time, and practice, and a mental fortitude that I’m building up daily.
When you’re stressing out about just trying to live from one day to the next, you don’t really have time for softness and self-care. And why dedicate any space to shame, when you could dedicate space to how amazing you are.
I’m glad I’m in a place where I have a little more space to relax and carve out pockets of the day that make me happy, help me sleep, and acknowledge my stress.
But I can’t shake the feeling of the constant message that our bodies aren’t good enough, or worthy unless we are thin, and starving, and eating a damn tortilla, piece of broccoli, a cigarette and a Diet Coke for every meal.
Food Joy is a concept that has always been important to me. I’ve done a non-trivial amount of talks about why we are allowed to love the foods we eat – even if they don’t fit neatly into the upside-down, reverse cowgirl food pyramid of 2026.
Food Joy allows us, at any moment to embrace our culture, our values, our shared time, and our community without apologizing for entering the world in the body we were given.
Food Joy also allows us to recognize how our foods nourish our bodies and make us feel after we put down the utensils.
We get to assign joy, and not shame to the contents of our plate. We get to recalibrate our minds to remember that there aren’t bad foods, just foods that are not cooked well, foods that you’re allergic to, foods that aren’t your preference, and food that has been poisoned. We don’t eat that shit.
Otherwise, the foods we eat have no moral value. Just like our body size has no moral value. Just like having diabetes has no moral value.
My body is strong, and instead of thinking about where it lacks, I often think about how many badass things it can do.
It is freeing knowing I can bench press a small man. Or that getting to fling some battle ropes and slam them down when I think about something frustrating while I BLAST Rage Against the Machine, or ABBA is on deck for the day.
It’s freeing to eat ice cream and not be like “this is going to make me fat.” There was a time where that record would play over and over in my head. I would go measure out a teaspoon, eat that, and lie to myself and say that it was satisfying.
We’re not doing that here anymore. It’s stupid, and it adds zero value to your life to lie to yourself like that.
It was not satisfying. Just like the new trend of adding Biscoff cookies to plain yogurt and calling it cheesecake is not satisfying.
I hope that if you encounter me here on the internet, or out in the wild that you’re not so superficial that your first instinct is to focus on parts of my body.
I also hope that when you’re thinking about yourself, you’re thinking about how badass you are, and how your body does amazing things every day. Props for that.
You don’t need to hate yourself, you don’t need to change yourself unless medically necessary.
If you can’t find joy in the body you’re in now, I can promise you that it won’t come simply from changing its shape.
You’ll have to dig a lot deep than that. Hating your body is a symptom of something much, much larger.
And it’s not mandatory for life. Larger bodies have existed for all of humanity. It’s the time period that dictates what acceptable and what isn’t. And what’s crazy is that we accept diet culture as a norm, when the standard can’t even making up its fucking mind most of the time.
You are good as you. And I hope you know that. And I hope you find joy in that, and I hope you spend more time celebrating your strengths.
