I gained back 22 pounds, and I have to talk about it.

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I seriously have no idea what to say. I didn’t think this would EVER happen to me. I changed all of my habits, it all became engrained in my mind, and I still found a way to royally f**K it up. Yikes.

To start at the very beginning, last year my total weight loss was 30 pounds. I did it gracefully, and it took hard work and an incredible dedication that I didn’t know I had. Every fiber in my body, every bone in my brain was SOLD on working hard to get healthy.

At the end of last year, a bunch of things happened to me that were really out of the blue. I feel like I keep talking about them, but in the curious case of this blog, they matter.

1)I lost my job, 2) Shortly after that I got very sick, and ended up having an unexpected surgery (that I’m currently figuring out how to pay for with this lack of job situation), 3) I had to stop working out for a while because of pain, and post op doctor’s orders, and 4) I seemed to have lost all motivation after that. I just didn’t give a crap anymore. I tried really hard to care, but I hadn’t been able to get into the swing of things again.

You would think that the lack of a 40 hour work-week would be wondrous, and that it would provide a lot of time. You’re wrong. I replaced 8 hour days, with 12-15 hour days sometimes trying to help grow Katie and I’s precious business. I spend another part of that day researching, and reading, and trying to learn while I don’t have a job, so that I stay fresh, smart, and innovative. I spend other time on filling out endless job applications, tailoring my cover letter to 3290432904 companies, and interviews. Sometimes I get sleep because it’s okay to sleep, because I can. Some nights I can’t sleep so I think about what I need to do better in order to get hired. I also stress out a lot. My life is completely different now. I’ve never had my security blanket pulled out from me before, and I’ve never faced as much rejection in my life as I am right now. Even with 5 years of absolutely SOLID experience in marketing, I can’t find a place that recognizes my talent, and likes my work, and thinks that I’d be a great fit for them.

It’s bumming me out.

I went to an event with friends, and as weird as it is, when I got undressed after getting home an hour ago, I saw how much different I looked, and it reminded me of the Mila who started this blog because she was sick and tired of being unhealthy, and unhappy. I looked at myself in my underwear, and I thought “I suck. I put so much into the gym, only to totally screw it up.” I probably shouldn’t have, but I hopped on the scale, and I was mortified.

I gained back 22 pounds.

Between the loss of my job, and surgery, and intense interviews, and not having very much money to shop and eat as healthily as I had been(and going vegetarian for all of January-bad idea for me, but more on that later), I’ve taken all of my progress away from myself. I let this happen to me, and quite frankly I’m angry with myself.

When I did lose weight, I almost never gave myself credit. It isn’t until now, that I’ve nearly gained back everything that I can look back and say I was really improving, I was getting my life back, and my confidence back. I looked at myself tonight, and I felt so ashamed, and so disheartened. I worked so hard; I had so many people behind me, and that was my motivation. I feel like I let myself down, but most of all, I let all of you down because you followed me, and encouraged me, only to see me fall so far.

Life is so cruel in that way sometimes. Your circumstances change, and your priorities have to change. Before losing my job, I didn’t have to worry about eating, or filling my car up to get from place to place. I didn’t have to choose to skip the gym because I had no time to go. My priorities have shifted, and even though losing weight, and getting healthy is probably the most important to me, I can’t find a way to make it fit. In a practical sense, if I don’t have the other tools in place (and financial stability is definitely one of those things) I feel like I’m set up to fail.

My least favorite thing to do is to blame something for a reason I cant do something. My circumstances aren’t that extreme, but they are at a frustrating point, and after starting my third month without a steady paying job, I feel like that one hinderance is placing an entirely different hold on my life than I ever expected. My heart is in working in the field that I love, and having a routine. I don’t mind working hard, but I completely mind undoing everything I did because I let my circumstances get the best of me.

I started this year wanting two things – a job that I love, that sustains me, and to meet my goal of hitting 125 pounds this year. I had to take the time to remind myself that sometimes life is going to throw you curveballs, but you just have to find out how to knock them out of the park anyway.

And I wanted to remind myself that it’s unacceptable to gain 22 pounds in a couple of months, whether I had surgery or not; whether the job search is time consuming, and stressful; whether or not I can feed myself properly. Focus. I made that whole list of goals this year of everything I wanted to be, and I have to live up to that. I worked so hard. I have to find a way to put this all behind me, and work a million times harder. I have to realign, and rebalance. If I don’t think differently, I’ll never change, and this patter of ups and downs is going to plague me forever. I don’t want that.

I want to be a happy, healthy, human woman. That’s all I want.