I gained back 22 pounds, and I have to talk about it.

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I seriously have no idea what to say. I didn’t think this would EVER happen to me. I changed all of my habits, it all became engrained in my mind, and I still found a way to royally f**K it up. Yikes.

To start at the very beginning, last year my total weight loss was 30 pounds. I did it gracefully, and it took hard work and an incredible dedication that I didn’t know I had. Every fiber in my body, every bone in my brain was SOLD on working hard to get healthy.

At the end of last year, a bunch of things happened to me that were really out of the blue. I feel like I keep talking about them, but in the curious case of this blog, they matter.

1)I lost my job, 2) Shortly after that I got very sick, and ended up having an unexpected surgery (that I’m currently figuring out how to pay for with this lack of job situation), 3) I had to stop working out for a while because of pain, and post op doctor’s orders, and 4) I seemed to have lost all motivation after that. I just didn’t give a crap anymore. I tried really hard to care, but I hadn’t been able to get into the swing of things again.

You would think that the lack of a 40 hour work-week would be wondrous, and that it would provide a lot of time. You’re wrong. I replaced 8 hour days, with 12-15 hour days sometimes trying to help grow Katie and I’s precious business. I spend another part of that day researching, and reading, and trying to learn while I don’t have a job, so that I stay fresh, smart, and innovative. I spend other time on filling out endless job applications, tailoring my cover letter to 3290432904 companies, and interviews. Sometimes I get sleep because it’s okay to sleep, because I can. Some nights I can’t sleep so I think about what I need to do better in order to get hired. I also stress out a lot. My life is completely different now. I’ve never had my security blanket pulled out from me before, and I’ve never faced as much rejection in my life as I am right now. Even with 5 years of absolutely SOLID experience in marketing, I can’t find a place that recognizes my talent, and likes my work, and thinks that I’d be a great fit for them.

It’s bumming me out.

I went to an event with friends, and as weird as it is, when I got undressed after getting home an hour ago, I saw how much different I looked, and it reminded me of the Mila who started this blog because she was sick and tired of being unhealthy, and unhappy. I looked at myself in my underwear, and I thought “I suck. I put so much into the gym, only to totally screw it up.” I probably shouldn’t have, but I hopped on the scale, and I was mortified.

I gained back 22 pounds.

Between the loss of my job, and surgery, and intense interviews, and not having very much money to shop and eat as healthily as I had been(and going vegetarian for all of January-bad idea for me, but more on that later), I’ve taken all of my progress away from myself. I let this happen to me, and quite frankly I’m angry with myself.

When I did lose weight, I almost never gave myself credit. It isn’t until now, that I’ve nearly gained back everything that I can look back and say I was really improving, I was getting my life back, and my confidence back. I looked at myself tonight, and I felt so ashamed, and so disheartened. I worked so hard; I had so many people behind me, and that was my motivation. I feel like I let myself down, but most of all, I let all of you down because you followed me, and encouraged me, only to see me fall so far.

Life is so cruel in that way sometimes. Your circumstances change, and your priorities have to change. Before losing my job, I didn’t have to worry about eating, or filling my car up to get from place to place. I didn’t have to choose to skip the gym because I had no time to go. My priorities have shifted, and even though losing weight, and getting healthy is probably the most important to me, I can’t find a way to make it fit. In a practical sense, if I don’t have the other tools in place (and financial stability is definitely one of those things) I feel like I’m set up to fail.

My least favorite thing to do is to blame something for a reason I cant do something. My circumstances aren’t that extreme, but they are at a frustrating point, and after starting my third month without a steady paying job, I feel like that one hinderance is placing an entirely different hold on my life than I ever expected. My heart is in working in the field that I love, and having a routine. I don’t mind working hard, but I completely mind undoing everything I did because I let my circumstances get the best of me.

I started this year wanting two things – a job that I love, that sustains me, and to meet my goal of hitting 125 pounds this year. I had to take the time to remind myself that sometimes life is going to throw you curveballs, but you just have to find out how to knock them out of the park anyway.

And I wanted to remind myself that it’s unacceptable to gain 22 pounds in a couple of months, whether I had surgery or not; whether the job search is time consuming, and stressful; whether or not I can feed myself properly. Focus. I made that whole list of goals this year of everything I wanted to be, and I have to live up to that. I worked so hard. I have to find a way to put this all behind me, and work a million times harder. I have to realign, and rebalance. If I don’t think differently, I’ll never change, and this patter of ups and downs is going to plague me forever. I don’t want that.

I want to be a happy, healthy, human woman. That’s all I want.

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Mila Clarke Buckley
Mila Clarke Buckley

Mila Clarke Buckley is a type 2 diabetes advocate who started her food blog, “The Hangry Woman”, after being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and struggling to find approachable resources to help her manage the chronic condition and live a happy, healthy life.

HangryWoman.com aims to take away the shame and stigma that comes with a type 2 diabetes diagnosis and covers topics like diabetes management, cooking, and self-care from the perspective of someone living with the chronic condition.

Mila has worked with companies like OneTouch, a Lifescan Company and Whole Foods Market, and she has been featured by The Kitchn, Houston Press, Travel Noire, Healthline, Yahoo Lifestyle, and WebMD.

Mila lives in Houston with her husband and two pups.

Find me on: Twitter | Instagram | Facebook

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6 Comments

  1. February 12, 2013 / 7:54 am

    Sometimes what we really need to succeed in life is a quick look back at the other side to make us realize just how important the work we were doing really was. Some people in your shoes aren’t fortunate or strong enough to get a SECOND wake up call. You will get work hard, as I’ve seen you do before, to get back on track and meet your goal. It’s not about how much you weigh at the end of the year, Mila. It’s about keeping your commitment to be healthy for the rest of your life. You can do it.

  2. Andrea K
    February 7, 2013 / 3:16 pm

    It makes me sad to hear you beating yourself up over this; no matter what goals we have set for ourselves or how good our intentions are, life always has a way of getting in the way. The beautiful thing about this post is that you have realized and acknowledged the brick walls that have come up in your path. That’s the first step to overcoming them! I know you can do this, you can get back on track, you can achieve your weight and health goals. You’re a wonderful person with great attitude and focus; keep your head up because you CAN make a comeback and do this! I believe in you, and I know your other readers do too. xo

  3. February 6, 2013 / 1:17 pm

    🙁 This makes me sad, but not because you gained weight back but because you are letting yourself down so much. YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN. It happens. Don’t worry. You are a young and it’s never to late to start again. I know firsthand that it sucks when all the hard work you put in goes out the window super fast. I’ve been there and done that. It hurts. I’m currently trying to get back into the swing of things too as I gained back the weight I lost. Motivation to exercise is lacking and to think I used to wake up early and work out 5-6 days a week and loved it. But it IS possible because we already experienced it. Fake it until you make it and just learn to LOVE it. Tell yourself you love it. What I’m focusing on is just being happy and not thinking about food and eating and I am visualizing that I am already happy, lean, and healthy. It helps.

  4. February 6, 2013 / 11:34 am

    Mila, you will do it! I have been in your shoes. I’m still kind of there with the whole getting my life together thing. You have to crowd out all of the setbacks with some positivity and you will get there. I found that thinking or doing one positive thing per day began to add up and change my thinking, thus changing my weight, eating, and career habits. I’m sure I will be reading about your success with all of this one day! 🙂

  5. February 6, 2013 / 7:32 am

    I understand where you are coming from ALL too well. 2013 is the first year since 2010 that I did not gain back all the weight I had lost prior to the holidays {I’m talking January to before Thanksgiving}. Each time I lost a good amount of weight {20-30} pounds I gained it right back.
    I am so sorry you are going through this, but you WILL accomplish this goal. You WILL be healthy. You WILL be happy!
    It’s the setbacks in our journey that help us realize how we have to get to our destination.

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