I’ve been in the process of re-doing my blog for two weeks or so, and I’ve unearthed these funny blogs that I forgot that I’ve written. One that I wrote, “Things I absolutely positively won’t miss about being fat,” was one of the funniest, and yet the most cruel one I’d written. I listed out aalllllll of the things I wouldn’t miss about myself. Some things that I could do, and some that I couldn’t that reminded me that I was a changed person.
I revisited that list, and I keep having these waves of overwhelming feelings. I had worked so hard, but I’m on a worse end of the spectrum. I tried, and I keep trying, but for some reason, the focus falls away from me, and onto everything and everyone else (my bad). I keep thinking “Damn, I don’t know what it’s like to NOT miss some of those things anymore.”
It made me think of all of these things that I hate about being out of shape, and things that I never want to deal with again like:
- I’m afraid someone is judging what I’m eating.
- I can’t run fast without feeling extremely winded afterward.
- I lost the best ability – the sexy leg cross. *Sigh* Thunder thighs means sitting like a dude FOREVER.
- My posture sucks – mostly because my tummy gets in the way.
- Yoga is now uncomfortable.
- I’m thinking about my size ALL the time. I don’t have any empty brain space. It’s Bryan, Work, I haven’t seen my mom in a really long time, and the space I occupy.
- I can’t order cute clothes online anymore because my defensive lineman shoulders look like J.J. Watt tried to put on a too cute Ann Taylor Loft dress. I love J.J. Watt, but I don’t want his shoulders.
- The double chin is sadly back. SO SADLY.
- I weigh more than my boyfriend.
- I’m afraid I won’t be able to fix it, no matter how hard I try because I KEEP trying, and I’m not fixing it.
Consistency is the key to all of this. I can’t be great one day, and just “do whatever” the next. I can change most, if not all of those things. It’s a choice really. I just have to refocus, the attention on me, for the sake of me. I have to make sacrifices to make this work because I want it to work. forever.